As some may know, I have a pretty moderate case of OCD. Moderate meaning I literally cannot function if something is out of place, the wrong number, or messy! I simply cannot move on to something if another is not complete. This week, if you walked into my house, you probably would have thought I was dying. OH wait, I WAS! I swear, I legitimately believed I was going to cease to exist. The coughing, the pain (everywhere), the sinus pressure, etc. And, I forgot one little thing... I still had to be a Mom and a Nanny!
I somehow managed to make it through work and life everyday, but yesterday, when I was asked "Are you okay, Jean? You seem a little irritable or something," it hit me. I finally cracked. This has never happened. Sure, I've been sick before, but never like this, so having someone notice made me realize this dang flu has officially put a chink in my armor. I've never been noticeably upset outside of my home. I don't like feeling the need to explain to people that I'm not at my best, at all times. However, being told "It's tough being a working mom," makes me feel better.
After finding out that I'm not so good at hiding the flu, I came home to see my house. For the first time all week, I guess my eyes turned on! I noticed there were toys everywhere, papers everywhere, dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor, and the bed not made. While some of these things happen on occasion, I can't say I remember a time when this was all happening in unison. I thought to myself "Wow! So, this is how I can overcome my OCD...I just have to come down with the flu!" Haha, I'll take the OCD.
This morning, I went to a meeting with a fantastic group of women, who I'm lucky enough to call friends! We had a speaker there today, who was talking about yelling in your parenting style. After this week, I felt like this woman was speaking directly to me. Over the weekend, Annabelle, my innocent little 1 year old, had accidentally hurt my foot while I was trying to talk on the phone to my brother, and in a moment of impulse, I yelled at her! The horribly pitiful look on her face, made my heart shatter. I thought to myself, "Did I really need to flip out on her for accidentally hurting me?" Then, I realized, I wasn't actually yelling at her because it hurt (though, it really did), but I was yelling at her because, how dare she interrupt my phone conversation! Looking back, most of the time when I am upset and freaking out, it's because my sweet, growing, hilarious little girl is interrupting me. When did looking at Facebook, or the internet become more important that playing with my own little girl? While trying to hold back the tears this morning, listening to this woman speak, I decided I've got to make a change. No more phone while the baby is awake. It's not worth it. I'm losing my precious time with this child, who is growing faster than I ever imagined. I don't want to look back in a few years, and wonder why I didn't spend more time watching her play in her pretend kitchen, or wonder how I could have possibly missed seeing her do something for the first time. Even worse, I don't want HER to remember me staring at a phone, instead of playing with her, singing songs with her, cuddling, listening to her sweet babble, or just simply watching her!
For instance, this morning, I watched her discover just how much fun a box of tampons is...
So, with all of you readers as my witness, this is my pledge, to put the phone down, and just BE with my family! And, thank you, Stacy (our speaker), for opening my eyes, and helping me see that I have a problem far worse than OCD, and that it's not too late to change!
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