It's Christmas time in the City!

It has been months and months since I last posted, but assure you, it's been a busy several months!

Since my last post, I've survived Summer Camp with elementary students, received a promotion, successfully enrolled Annabelle in "big girl school," and managed to make it through life here with a little bit of my sanity intact!

After a year and a half in Singapore, we are now thinking "holy cow, how has time gone so fast?" We have determined that Singapore is actually some kind of time warp. While we have seen the majority of the island and have found our favorite things to do here, we still find out about new places all the time. There is so much to see and do here, that I don't think we will ever conquer it all! Of course we have our moments when Singapore isn't everything we've ever wanted, but for the most part we really love it here, and are beyond thankful that we were given this incredible opportunity!

Annabelle began school at Singapore American School in August. Her speech delay has improved so drastically and she is thriving. We are impressed every single day with the language that she has now. She can have conversations with other people, and seeing the surprise on their faces and hearing them say "I understood every word!" is the most gratifying reward for her! She doesn't have to get frustrated anymore with her lack of ability to express herself! Don't worry, though- she has plenty more reasons to be frustrated and throw irrational tantrums.

While 2016 has definitely given us some hard times, we also have a lot to be thankful for this Holiday  season. Not to mention, I'm a total Christmas fanatic. We have had our tree and decorations up for quite some time now, and I have to say- just seeing the beautiful tree when I get home from work instantly puts a smile on my face. I love the peacefulness and the beauty of looking at festive lights. I love seeing Annabelle's face light up when we change the colors of the tree, or when she discovers a new ornament. She particularly loves snow globes and nutcrackers. How fun to see Christmas through a toddler's eyes!

Perhaps our biggest surprise of the season is, that we have the best present anyone could ever ask for on the way! We found out a few months ago that we are expecting a sweet angel to join our family in May! Annabelle is overjoyed and tells the world. She picks up random things at stores and demands that we "neeeeeeeed these for the baby." Today, she also told me that she can hear the baby crying in my belly. Oh, and it also apparently says "goo goo ga ga" to her. Haha! I love her imagination. She is anxious to be a big sister, and goes back and forth on whether she wants a brother or a sister.

We did somehow manage to keep my pregnancy a secret from everyone aside from coworkers until we were able to get Christmas cards out to reveal our big news! What a challenging secret, but an equally awesome time receiving the texts of surprise from all of our family, and sharing the excitement with them! Now, we can share our fun surprise announcement with all of our friends around the World!

I genuinely hope that all of our friends and family around the World have the happiest Holiday Season and are surrounded by the people they love!

She Made me a Mother

This Mother's Day, I may not be celebrating with the 3 sweet children I had hoped for, but at least I have 1!

I know so many women who have struggled with infertility and miscarriage. I know that some women don't get to celebrate, but instead they get to be reminded that they still don't have that child they've dreamed of for so long. They still have to watch other families smiling, and talking about how blessed they are to have beautiful children.  For those women, my heart aches for you. I, too, have felt that pain.

I lost my two sweet twins 3 weeks ago, and I will never forget that I now have angels in Heaven instead of in my arms.

But, I also know I'm blessed. I still have one sweet daughter who has given me so much.

She has made me many things, but the best thing is that she made me a Mother!

She has made me laugh.

She has definitely made me cry.

She has made me question why I chose to become a Mother.

She has made me feel beautiful.

She has made me empathetic.

She has given me a new perspective.

She makes me see the beauty in the smallest things.

She makes me see the rationale in her irrational tantrums.

She has made me a zombie.

She has made me patient.

She has made me want to rip my hair out.

She has made me want to press pause on precious moments.

She has made me a hugger.

She has made me appreciate my parents so much.

I made a person. She made me a Mother.

On this day, and every other day of the rest of my life, I am a Mother. And to my sweet-evil-loving-tantruming-threenager.... Thank you for making me everything I've always wanted to be.

You are my angel, my darling, my star. And I will love you wherever you are!

Oh- I should probably thank my husband, too. Probably couldn't have made this human without him.

Speaking Out

I'm definitely not known for posting very often, but I am certainly known for posting very honestly.

This will be an honest post, and certainly the most difficult one yet.

Two months ago, we were overjoyed to learn we were pregnant with twins! We were elated, to say the least. From the moment you find out you're pregnant, you can't help but imagine if it's a boy or a girl, or two boys, or two girls! There is no stopping the joy, the curiosity, the wishing and hoping for a fantastic future, and a healthy baby.

When I went in for my third ultrasound this weekend, I was told that the babies had stopped growing, and there were no heartbeats. They had to check my hormone levels to confirm that I was miscarrying.

When I went back in to the doctor on Monday morning, they checked the hormone levels again to ensure they were correct, and I was immediately taken to surgery to have the babies removed. The surgery was successful, and the doctor said I will make a full recovery.

We are obviously devastated by this happening, and ask that you all send prayers and encouragement to help us heal our shattered hearts.

With Love,

Jean, Charles and Annabelle

A Big Difference!

Today is mine and Annabelle's 6 month mark for being in Singapore! In some ways, it's hard to believe that we have called this home for 6 months, and in some ways it's hard to believe that it has ONLY been 6 months!

I feel like we  have already experienced so much of what Singapore has to offer, yet I know that we have merely scratched the surface!

Since moving here, we have experienced quite our fair share of ups and downs, and I finally feel like I am in a place where I can get back to writing about our life!

When I found out that I would have the opportunity to be a SAHM here, I was so overjoyed! For years, I wanted to be a Mom, and stay at home to take care of my baby. I thought SAHMs lived the good life, and always had clean houses, and ample patience and time to spend with their precious children. Little did I know, this was not the case at all. Staying home with my child was nice in many ways, but I also felt like I was slipping into an abyss. I felt like I was becoming consumed with anger, and sometimes even resentment toward my own flesh. Some days, I even wished that I never became a Mom, because I couldn't handle the constant need to be everything for her, and only her. Most days, I felt like I was falling into depression, and I knew this just wasn't who I was.

So, I decided to make a change! I decided to go back to work, and let my daughter go to daycare, so she can be surrounded by other children, and adults who dedicate their time to taking care of children when they're away from their families. The ironic part is that my chosen career is also to care for other people's kids. But, I suppose it is true- everything is different when it's your own kid!

Why is it that I have infinite patience with other children, but none with my own?

I don't know the science of it, but I do know it to be true for me, at least. And I know that my sweet girl is getting the attention, support and socializing that she needs, while I'm getting the fulfillment I need, and having the chance to say "Wow, I really miss her!"

It's only just over a week now since we made the change, and I already see a big difference in how our time together is spent! We laugh together, instead of crying. We hug more, instead of closing doors. We have conversations about our days, instead of hurrying through our meals in silence.

What a difference!

 I can't wait to see what else this adventure will bring us, and I look forward to having happier days!!