I cry

I don't even know where to begin, so I'm just going to jump right in. Life is unreal right now. Unreal in the sense that sometimes, I feel like I'm not seen. Like I am so stuck in a whirlwind of emotion and non stop responsibility, that I'm forgotten. I'm tired. Not just a regular everyday kind of tired- I'm "mom" tired.

The lives that we portray in public- on Facebook, around people we know, but don't really KNOW, when we show fake smiles at the store- this isn't real life. These are the moments when people think we have it together, but does anyone know what life is like for others when they're at home? I'm not sure about everyone else, but I can tell you mine is like.

Sometimes, I lose my temper. Over stupid things, like spilled milk. I cry over spilled milk, because that's the 4th time today, and I cry because I get upset for needing to cry. I cry because I need chocolate to make it through a day. I cry because sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in pressure from a million people I don't even know, who tell me motherhood is magical. Sometimes I cry because I cannot possibly do one more load of laundry, yet there is a hamper full. 

Life is overwhelming, and though I know everyone goes through this, I also know that all of us feel invisible sometimes. 

Today, I broke my toilet. So, my 2 year old and I went to Home Depot to get the replacement parts, then headed to Target to grab a few other essentials. After we finally made our way through Target, I loaded everything up, and had about 10 minutes to feed my toddler something- anything- to avoid a meltdown. So, I throw her the "shries" that she requested, and a fruit cup, and head home. When we got home, I realized I obviously returned my cart at target without taking the $50 worth of groceries out! Who does that? Back we go. Luckily, my cart was in the same place I left it, with everything I had left in it! Back home we go. 

When we get home, it's already bed time, but obviously my toddler is still eating. When I turn around to grab my own food, I see the dog is up on the table, helping herself to the remainder of our food, and she had left a nice present on the floor. 

How do you pull yourself together when you feel like you're falling apart? How do you not get lost in the negativity? I cry!

I also cry when I realize it's not all bad... Some days are just plain awful, and some days are just plain amazing. Some days I cry because I can't imagine one more thing going wrong, and some days I cry because I don't know how I got so lucky. Some days I cry becayse I hate being a mom, and some days I cry remembering how long I waited to become one. 

Life is crazy. Life is overwhelming. Life is unexpected. But, life sure is amazing. 

If My Child Tells Me She's Gay

I've worked with children for a long time. In this amount of time, I have met some interesting people. Some people with strong beliefs, and some who want to believe, but find it hard. Some who have jobs as lawyers, and some who are struggling to put food on the table. I have come to know, love and respect so many people of so many backgrounds, demographics, ethnicities, religions, etc. But you know what I wonder? Why can't others? I don't need to get in to a debate about anything, but I just had to say one thing...

If your little girl prefers monster trucks to princesses, it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. If your son prefers playing with dolls over action figures, it's not going to 'turn' him gay. Even if you only buy your child 'gender appropriate' things, they could still be gay, because they were born that way.

If my daughter comes to me one day, and tells me "Mom, I'm attracted to girls," you know what I'll do? Hug her. I will tell her "I love you." I will tell her "Thank you for telling me. For feeling that you CAN tell me."

As a parent, my worst fears for what my daughter will become do not include being gay. She could do drugs. She could steal. She could murder. These are my fears. But being gay? Why is that a problem? You know what else she could be? Happy. Fulfilled. Loved. Successful. Seeing my daughter achieve these things in life will make me feel like my job as a parent was a success. I want her to feel confident and brave, and I want her to be able to be herself without having others judge her because she was born to love someone that doesn't fit the mold that we have created. I want her to be able to hold hands with the person she loves without feeling like she's being watched, or having to look over her shoulder, or being afraid for her LIFE.

I want my daughter to know that she can come to me for anything. I want her to know that we live in a world of acceptance, of freedom to be who she is. And if who she is, just so happens to be gay... I will still love her for always.

Motherhood Woes

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Like, ROUGH! Do you ever have moments in Motherhood where you've reached the point breaking and said "Okay, this is when I realize I have entered eternal damnation, and should give up on ever finding happiness..."? Well, let me tell ya, you are NOT alone, sista! I am in Hades. It's officially official.

The other night, after getting home from work, I was bathing my own little spawn to get her ready for bed, and it was time to brush her teeth. I'm sorry, I should actually call this part of the routine "When the neighbors wonder if they need to call the police," because my child literally screams like her life is ending. EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she brushes her own teeth, it's perfectly fine. But, the second my finger touches the toothbrush and I tell her it's my turn to brush, it's like all of her bones break, and she collapses to the floor. She then locks her jaw shut like she's a dog holding on to a coveted piece of 3 day old chicken they found under the oven. So, when I finally pry the jaw open enough to jab the toothbrush in, I realize all of the toothpaste has been smeared across my shirt. What the fudgesicle. By the time I get the new toothpaste on the brush, her naked little behind has scurried out of the bathroom, and into the living room where I obviously can't see her 'hiding' right in the middle of the couch. So, I scoop her up over my arm, trying with all my might not to flip the crap out, and set her on the counter and tell her to open her mouth RIGHT THIS SECOND so I can brush her teeth or they WILL fall out. She's crying, which is perfect because the mouth has to be open to cry! So, I hurry up and brush brush brush brush, silently singing "Brush-a, brush-a, brush-a" just like Jan in Grease, because come on... Anyway, just as I'm about halfway done, she decides she needed to slap me across the face. HOLY CRAP, I lost it.

I mean, I chucked that super rockin awesome light-up toothbrush so hard across the bathroom, that the bottom broke off, and there was toothpaste splattered everywhere. And then I screamed "I'M DONE BEING A MOM!!" Now enters husband...

H- "What's wrong?"
Me-"WAAAAAAAAHHH"
H- "Ummm...what happened?"
Me- "WAAAAAAAHHH", slam the door, run to the bathroom. Obviously it's the only place in the world to run when one needs a minute.
H- "So...what's going on?"
Me- Through the tears and sobbing.. "She's (sniff sniff, schnortle) so MEAN!"

Even I laughed at that moment. When did my daughter take me back to middle school? I can remember sitting in my room crying when other girls were mean in school, and it was the exact same thing.

After I took a minute rocking myself back to calm in the corner of the bathroom, I went back into her room, and she said "SHAW" which translates to sorry in her toddler language, and gave me a hug. Even though I was still so angry about all of it, I snuggled her, read her a story, and rocked her for a few minutes before putting her to bed. Then you leave the room, and have a huge sigh of relief, and dance a little jig to celebrate the fact that you survived another day of Motherhood.

High five, we did it!

Life with Dictators

Okay, okay, I know it has been forever and a day since I last posted about my insanely busy life! But, I'm here now, and that's what matters, right?!

So, looking back at my last post I've discovered that not a ton has changed, but at the same time...SO much has changed! We have celebrated birthdays, and have had so many milestones since then! So, let's start, shall we?

First things first, toddlers still suck SO BAD. It has been determined that toddlers are, in fact, tiny assholes. I said it. ASSHOLES. They hate us. Just thought I'd let you know the truth. Every second of every minute of every single day is dictated by what my boss calls a "tyrant." At first, I admit I thought that word may be an exaggeration, but after careful review I've discovered that it's true. We get screamed at all day in words that don't even have meaning. We get told "I don't wanna talk to you" or "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NANANANANAN UGHGUGHGUGH." I mean, come on...at least use words if you're going to yell at me for giving you the banana you cried for!

Also- what's up with the poop? How is it that you can go weeks without a pee accident, but cannot seem to fathom the thought of pooping in the toilet? You would rather go in your diaper, underwear, or right NEXT to the toilet, but heaven forbid you sit on the toilet? Come ON! You know what they do? They go once to get your hopes up, then they shatter your hopes when you find the poop smeared on the crib, or all over their bodies, or all over the carpet. Good times, these toddlers.

Have there been good moments over the past 6 months? Sure there have! But, I must say, they are few and far between! Hearing children say "I love you" may be the best part of every day. These little people who put so much stress on us daily, and drive us to eat our weight in chocolate, can be the sweetest little demons in the world. Sometimes, when they're sleeping, I sit there staring. Just stare, take in all of their little features...the little dimples where the knuckles will be soon, the wispy curly hair that glows in the dark because it is so blonde, the little tiny nose that is still somehow almost completely flat, the perfect little lips that give the sweetest kisses on the cheek. How precious are they still? And when did they become little kids instead of babies? I get so lost in the stressful moments of the day, that sometimes I forget how fast it's actually going. Time is flying by, and I'm too busy to notice!

My sweet baby girl was recently diagnosed with some delays. She has a 35% delay in Speech, Cognitive, and Social areas. Although this was an expected diagnosis, it was a tough one to hear. I've always thought that my experience with children would be so helpful in my parenting. I assumed that my child would be so intelligent, and have such great patience, and be invincible. But, I'm discovering that these things will come. Why does my 2 year old have to be superior? She's 2! What does she need? Happiness. Love. Care. Nurturing. Sure, speech is important, but we have help for that. Patience isn't something any toddler has. And, she thinks she's invincible. So, I'm learning to back off a little. I will never be the perfect mom. Ever. And I'm okay with that. As long as I remember that I'm the perfect mom for HER.

You know what else I've discovered? Sometimes my house is messy. But, sometimes it's better for me to just sit on my butt in front of the TV, crying to an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and eating 6 pounds of chocolate, while forgetting everything about the day! Hey, I work out! ;) It's also okay for me to ask for help. Annabelle recently decided she doesn't need to breastfeed anymore. The first night, I will admit, I was pretty sad. But, since then, it's been nice. It's great to be able to ask my husband for help putting her to bed. And it's great to not have to plan my evenings around a breastfeeding toddler. Especially since every other part of my days revolve around her and 3 others!

What a rollercoaster of emotions life is. Caring for toddlers has got to be the most draining phase of life so far. I can hear the screaming when I go to bed. Silence is too quiet. I can translate toddler language faster than I can spell an English word. And I can spot a disaster about to happen with cat-like reflexes. It takes a strong person to be with children all day. You have to learn to not take them seriously. They're going to hate you about 60% of the time, and adore you the other 40. And honestly, you'll feel the same. They ignore everything you say to them, but demand to be heard every time they speak. They don't want you to help with anything, but get so mad that they can't do it themselves. They hit, kick, bite, spit, throw things, throw themselves, and demolish everything in their paths. Yet, we get up everyday and show them our love! Why? Because we go through these emotions, too. We get it. We understand. But, do they have to make it so hard? This too shall pass! And until then, Jesus take the wheel!

So, before I leave with my spectacular picture montage, I will remind you once again, to not lose hope. Things will get better. But, until they do, just remember... Toddlers are assholes. That is all.

Orange paint and peppers

Lets talk about children.

First of all, they come out of the womb all precious and tiny. They're helpless, and they cuddle. They smell so great, and the noises they make are so cute, and they really are just perfect. Even the ugly ones are so gosh darn cute, you just want to squeeeeeeeeeeze them! Am I right? I'm right.

NOW, let's talk about what happens to those amazingly perfect, so precious babies. They become..... TODDLERS!! Who doesn't just love a toddler? Me. That's who. I'm telling you, toddlers will be the death of me. Okay, let me rephrase; I don't NOT love toddlers. I just don't like them most of the time. Am I alone in this? I don't think so. I'm going to give a few examples of how crazy the toddlers are that I surround myself with. ALL of these examples are from the last 24 hours of my life.

Example number 1: A toddler asks her mother (not so nicely, might I add) if she would put her hair in a ponytail. This very nice, loving mother says "Yes, of course I will put your hair into a ponytail." After putting her hair into a very cute ponytail, the toddler then proceeds to throw herself on to the floor in a fit of rage, and rips the ponytail out. The toddler also decides that this isn't getting her anywhere, so she is now roooooooolling across the floor, because DUH, this is obviously helping get her point across. After doing this for about 3 minutes, the toddler goes back to her (very patient, calm and collected) mother, and asks her to put her hair in a ponytail!!! WTF toddlers????

Example number 2: A mother is doing the dishes. In a very small kitchen. A toddler decides she will be an excellent helper with the dishes. She decides the dish she wants to help with is a friggin butcher knife (A BUTCHER KNIFE!!!). So, naturally, as any mother who doesn't want to end up in jail, would do...she took it away! Oh my dear sweet Lord above, if you ever want to see a child go ballistic, and make all of your neighbors contemplate a call to 911, by all means, remove a butcher knife from your toddler's hand. I swear, the screams coming from this child could land her a well-paying part on The Hills Have Eyes. Geez, I apologize for saving your life and appendages. WTF toddlers?????

Example number 3: It's dinner time. It's hot. It's late. A certain toddler is handed a plate with a very delicious stuffed pepper on it. That she begged for. The toddler starts screaming, for who knows why. The very loving, concerned, patient mother sits down and calmly asks her, "Oh, my dear sweet, innocent, little angel from above, what is the matter?" (Okay, maybe not JUST like that.) The toddler proceeds to scream, and is now waving a fork, and pointing at the mother's food, which is the SAME thing. Mommy then decides, okay, I will give her MY food. The toddler doesn't want Mommy's food. Mommy now might be just slightly upset. Toddler continues screaming, as mommy takes food off the plate and puts more food on the plate. What the heck do you want, little Devil spawn?? Finally, after way too many attempts to figure out the problem, it was the fork. She was unhappy with her fork selection. FORK. Sigh.... WTF toddlers????

Example number 4: Painting. We are making "H is for Horse." I'm strategically mixing colors together to make the perfect shade of brown, as the brown paint is missing. I find the right color, and get it ready. This toddler decides he needs to have an orange horse. SO, I go get the orange paint, for the orange horse. Once I so nicely retrieve and deliver this paint, I observe this toddler using WAY too much paint. I then decide to put the paint on a super-awesome-orangey plate! Woot woot! Good lord, this was not a good choice. Toddler meltdown. DO NOT take the jar of paint away! So, I decide we will go ahead and put the paint on the plate back into the jar. DO NOT take the plate of paint away! Leave the jar. Leave the plate. Do not touch the brush. Do not suggest using less paint. Just stop. WTF toddlers????

As you can see, sweet little babies turn into not so sweet little PMSing miniature adults. Though they are still adorable, and on occasion, they have a day without mood swings, don't let them fool you for a second! These tiny little people are very intelligent and they know exactly what they're doing!

Last but not least, I will end my ranting by showing a picture montage of my toddler in her good moods! Enjoy your days of toddlerhood, and know that we will all make it through!!

 She's running away, obviously. Toddler life is rough.

 

 The baby needs his own space.

 

 She needed a "pick-me-up."

 

Why can't I just jump in the pool, Mom???

 

 

And now, I leave you with one last question... Seriously, WTF toddlers???