It's been three weeks here now in Singapore, and we are doing our best to settle in to our new normal. I knew this was going to be a challenging adjustment for our family, but I have to admit, its been a lot harder than I imagined. From the lack of transportation, to being a stay at home mom, to being an expat, its an everyday challenge, and I'm struggling.
I don't usually give in to feeling like I've lost control, but right now I feel like I don't control anything. My daughter has been having tantrums worse than ever before. To put it in perspective, imagine losing your friends you've spent every day of your life with. Now, add to that losing your home. Now your city. Then country. Now you're surrounded by an entirely different set of people, a completely different culture, different climate, different time zone, no car, and you're stuck with your grumpy mom all day, every single day. Oh, and you're 2 years old. My toddler is having to deal with all of these things that I myself am having trouble adjusting to. In the midst of her having tantrums about everything possible, we also have to figure out a way to get out of the house, and do something fun.
Her and I are trying so hard to get into a sense of normalcy, but we can't even seem to sleep! It is not uncommon for her to sit in her bed singing herself to sleep for 2 hours, before she can finally close her eyes to rest. And I'm the same way, without the singing! I find myself struggling to get to bed before midnight, and can't even muster up the energy to drag myself out of bed at 8 in the morning. I really thought that we would have a much easier time getting the time difference down!
When we finally roll out of bed, we experience our first tantrum right away, as Annabelle's breakfast choices here aren't what she's used to. We will spend an hour or so attempting to FaceTime with some family members, as this is our only chance to speak with people in the States. We will experience our next tantrum when Annabelle isn't the one to push the end button. Once we are finally ready to embark on the day, it's already nasty outside, and at least a mile walk to where ever we decide to go. By the time we get anywhere, Annabelle is exhausted and wants to go home to night night,
I feel so bad, and sometimes so helpless. I certainly don't want pity, but sometimes I just need an understanding ear.
Being a SAHM is new to me. I've been with Annabelle all day every day since she was born, but it was different being a Nanny, because I had to be places at a certain time. and we always had other people around! As a SAHM, I'm now responsible for just my family. By the time my husband gets home, I'm grumpy and exhausted, and at my wits end with my toddler. He sees me losing my temper over little things, but doesn't realize that's the 15th time I've told her to get out of the freezer today, or the 200th time I've told her no, or the 10th time shes dumped yogurt on the floor. I've also done 3 loads of laundry, a million dishes, swept and mopped, walked 2 miles to get the mail, taken her to the sand filled park, and tried to force food into her all day. It's a challenging day.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are definite plus sides to this new SAHM experience. For instance, I get to be with my child all day instead of paying someone else to take care of her, and worrying all day long if I made the right choice. Working moms have it hard, too.
Also, I've found I'm a pretty great baker. The other day I didn't feel like walking 2 miles to the store to get tortillas, so I just made my own, and they were effing fantastic! I've also made a few loaves of bread. Annabelle and I made our own homemade pizzas last night, and they turned out pretty damn good, too. I've also made the cinnamon rolls that we absolutely love, but rarely had the time available before! We also live in a gorgeous house, in a gorgeous country we never could have dreamed of being in!
So, as I try not to lose hope, and keep my head up, I am steadfast in my faith that things have to improve, and soon I will forget that it was ever this hard, my toddler will be happy with her new group of friends, and we will be part of a tight community that we will be so sad to leave one day. For these things, I am unbelievably thankful for!
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