Trips, Love, and Toddler Tears

We have now officially lived in our new home, Singapore, for a week! Let me tell you, it's been an adventure already, but the real adventure was getting here!

My husband left at the beginning of June, so he could get a head start on the new job, and so I could tie up some loose ends in the states. I had it all planned out- finish off my last month as a Nanny, get the apartment in order and organized for the movers, take a long road trip home to Omaha, and spend a few quality weeks with family before moving across the world! Does anybody else ever get these amazing ideas, and when you're finished think "what the hell is wrong with me?" Well, I sure thought this, and still do!

Let's start with moving day. We were SO excited to move to Singapore, but when the movers came, it all got real. I stood there watching them pack away our lives from the past 4 years in San Antonio. This city brought such great things for us. We had our sweet baby girl there, and made some of the most incredible friends there. It hit me, as they're packing up my kitchen stuff, that I wouldn't have my best friend over for a spontaneous dinner again. Every piece of furniture had memories being packed away with it. It's so wonderful to be able to start a great new chapter in life, but it's so sad to say goodbye to the present when it's been so awesome! Saying goodbye to San Antonio was devastating. I know that we will see everyone again, but not knowing when is what makes it difficult! The friendships Annabelle had with all of the kids she spent her entire 2 years of life with, the friendships that helped me through the first years of motherhood, and a quite difficult pregnancy, these are the relationships that make you realize what a fantastic life you have! And it all becomes real when you see your life packed into a shipping container.

My Aunt came down from St. Louis to help me with the road trip I was about to embark on with my toddler and two dogs. We decided to stop overnight in Oklahoma City before continuing on to STL. Oklahoma was absolutely gorgeous! So green, so open, and so inviting! Our first day of driving was pretty great. Annabelle slept quite a bit, and didn't cry much at all! We went to dinner at apparently the number one rated pizza place in Oklahoma, then we went to this enormous lake and watched a beautiful sunset! The next day, we were on our way to STL! While we were on a turnpike, we took an exit because Annabelle said she needed to pee. So, we pull off at this rink a dink little gas station, and go into the bathroom. It was as nasty as one could expect from a random place in the middle of nowhere, so I just held her over the toilet bowl, and told her to do her thing. When she finished, I went to pull her pants back on, and what do I do? I dropped the Damn pants and underwear in the nasty toilet. GROSS! So, then I had to take her out of the bathroom with her whole bottom naked half hanging out, and search through our fifteen bags in the van to find her replacement pants! Luckily, we made it through the rest of the trip without any drama!

When we got to STL, we took a day off from driving, and had a day of fun! We went to a fun place called Grant's Farm, where Annabelle and my cousin took a pony ride and a camel ride! Annabelle also got her hair chewed on by a llama, and we got to meet a baby camel that was about the cutest thing ever!

The next day, Annabelle and I were on our own for a short 4 hour drive to my extended family in Illinois! This part of the family had never met Annabelle, and hadn't seen me since early in my pregnancy, so we were excited to get there! Annabelle slept for about 90% of the drive, so it was pleasant! Once we arrived, Annabelle got to meet most of my family, and we decided to stay a couple of extra days to try and miss the 4th of July traffic! So, instead of driving, we got pedicures! Annabelle was so excited, because she got to put her feet in the "pool" before they colored her toes!

The next day, we were finally on our way to Omaha! Yay! This leg of the trip was challenging, because Annabelle cried most of the time, and we were getting caught in thunderstorms for the majority if the drive. When we arrived in Omaha, it was so nice to be home again! Spending two weeks with my family made me so grateful that we made that time for them. We also got to spend some good time with my nephew, and that was precious! I also decided while we were there, that for my mom's birthday, she really needed her bathroom remodeled, so my twin and I redid it. It turned out beautiful, but it was HARD and consumed a much bigger amount of time than we anticipated! Nonetheless, our time in Omaha is something I cherish, as we had time to reconnect, and for everyone to get an opportunity to get to know Annabelle!

Now, on to the fun trip to Singapore. We had a short 40 minute flight to Minneapolis, and that flight was magical! Annabelle was so well behaved and was just so excited to be on an "aipay." I was excited, and was feeling so optimistic about our upcoming flights. Let me tell you, I'm an IDIOT! That next flight was 14 HOURS FROM HELL. Seriously, a nightmare. I felt like Freddy Kruger had gone into my archives, found my idea of the worst possible way this flight could go, and made it happen. My child screamed for the ENTIRE trip. Actually, she stopped screaming during the times we went to the restroom. She would run through the aisles laughing hysterically, and running up to random people, touch their screens and say "WAS DAT?" Then, once in the restroom, every single time, she pushed the "call attendant" button, so each time, we got a knock on the door and "are you okay, do you need assistance?" Literally every person around us moved, except for the person sitting right next to me. Oh my Lord. By the end of that flight, we had been awake and napless for about 20 hours, and we still had a 7 hour flight to take. While we were in Tokyo, I watched everyone watching us as Annabelle threw herself on the floor screaming and throwing tantrums for various reasons, and I assured them that this is exactly the behavior they can expect on the flight. I'm pretty sure they thought I was kidding, but I could see the fear in their eyes! The last flight was okay, and Annabelle only screamed for about an hour, but I had to hold her on my lap for the entirety of the trip for her to sleep. Needless to say, when we arrived in Singapore, I was less than thrilled, and not in the best of moods.

But, seeing her see her Daddy after 7 weeks, was the sweetest thing! She ran to him with open arms, screeching with delight! What a moment!

Now we are here in Singapore, trying to thow ourselves into the culture and really make the most of this incredible opportunity we've been given! So far, we've explored the big malls, the Gardens, and the cloud forest! Annabelle has managed to throw several tantrums at all of the locations, and it won't be long before everyone knows our names!

We've gotten a lot of questions about the weather here. I can tell you it is the most dense, wet, HOT climate I have ever experienced. The humidity is so intense, it almost feels heavy on your skin. We are literally glistening, and dripping with sweat all day, and often times need to change clothes. But, this place is also gorgeous, and just booming with wildlife and scenery! We can't wait to share our amazing times here with you! Thanks for sticking with us!!

I cry

I don't even know where to begin, so I'm just going to jump right in. Life is unreal right now. Unreal in the sense that sometimes, I feel like I'm not seen. Like I am so stuck in a whirlwind of emotion and non stop responsibility, that I'm forgotten. I'm tired. Not just a regular everyday kind of tired- I'm "mom" tired.

The lives that we portray in public- on Facebook, around people we know, but don't really KNOW, when we show fake smiles at the store- this isn't real life. These are the moments when people think we have it together, but does anyone know what life is like for others when they're at home? I'm not sure about everyone else, but I can tell you mine is like.

Sometimes, I lose my temper. Over stupid things, like spilled milk. I cry over spilled milk, because that's the 4th time today, and I cry because I get upset for needing to cry. I cry because I need chocolate to make it through a day. I cry because sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in pressure from a million people I don't even know, who tell me motherhood is magical. Sometimes I cry because I cannot possibly do one more load of laundry, yet there is a hamper full. 

Life is overwhelming, and though I know everyone goes through this, I also know that all of us feel invisible sometimes. 

Today, I broke my toilet. So, my 2 year old and I went to Home Depot to get the replacement parts, then headed to Target to grab a few other essentials. After we finally made our way through Target, I loaded everything up, and had about 10 minutes to feed my toddler something- anything- to avoid a meltdown. So, I throw her the "shries" that she requested, and a fruit cup, and head home. When we got home, I realized I obviously returned my cart at target without taking the $50 worth of groceries out! Who does that? Back we go. Luckily, my cart was in the same place I left it, with everything I had left in it! Back home we go. 

When we get home, it's already bed time, but obviously my toddler is still eating. When I turn around to grab my own food, I see the dog is up on the table, helping herself to the remainder of our food, and she had left a nice present on the floor. 

How do you pull yourself together when you feel like you're falling apart? How do you not get lost in the negativity? I cry!

I also cry when I realize it's not all bad... Some days are just plain awful, and some days are just plain amazing. Some days I cry because I can't imagine one more thing going wrong, and some days I cry because I don't know how I got so lucky. Some days I cry becayse I hate being a mom, and some days I cry remembering how long I waited to become one. 

Life is crazy. Life is overwhelming. Life is unexpected. But, life sure is amazing. 

If My Child Tells Me She's Gay

I've worked with children for a long time. In this amount of time, I have met some interesting people. Some people with strong beliefs, and some who want to believe, but find it hard. Some who have jobs as lawyers, and some who are struggling to put food on the table. I have come to know, love and respect so many people of so many backgrounds, demographics, ethnicities, religions, etc. But you know what I wonder? Why can't others? I don't need to get in to a debate about anything, but I just had to say one thing...

If your little girl prefers monster trucks to princesses, it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. If your son prefers playing with dolls over action figures, it's not going to 'turn' him gay. Even if you only buy your child 'gender appropriate' things, they could still be gay, because they were born that way.

If my daughter comes to me one day, and tells me "Mom, I'm attracted to girls," you know what I'll do? Hug her. I will tell her "I love you." I will tell her "Thank you for telling me. For feeling that you CAN tell me."

As a parent, my worst fears for what my daughter will become do not include being gay. She could do drugs. She could steal. She could murder. These are my fears. But being gay? Why is that a problem? You know what else she could be? Happy. Fulfilled. Loved. Successful. Seeing my daughter achieve these things in life will make me feel like my job as a parent was a success. I want her to feel confident and brave, and I want her to be able to be herself without having others judge her because she was born to love someone that doesn't fit the mold that we have created. I want her to be able to hold hands with the person she loves without feeling like she's being watched, or having to look over her shoulder, or being afraid for her LIFE.

I want my daughter to know that she can come to me for anything. I want her to know that we live in a world of acceptance, of freedom to be who she is. And if who she is, just so happens to be gay... I will still love her for always.

Motherhood Woes

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Like, ROUGH! Do you ever have moments in Motherhood where you've reached the point breaking and said "Okay, this is when I realize I have entered eternal damnation, and should give up on ever finding happiness..."? Well, let me tell ya, you are NOT alone, sista! I am in Hades. It's officially official.

The other night, after getting home from work, I was bathing my own little spawn to get her ready for bed, and it was time to brush her teeth. I'm sorry, I should actually call this part of the routine "When the neighbors wonder if they need to call the police," because my child literally screams like her life is ending. EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she brushes her own teeth, it's perfectly fine. But, the second my finger touches the toothbrush and I tell her it's my turn to brush, it's like all of her bones break, and she collapses to the floor. She then locks her jaw shut like she's a dog holding on to a coveted piece of 3 day old chicken they found under the oven. So, when I finally pry the jaw open enough to jab the toothbrush in, I realize all of the toothpaste has been smeared across my shirt. What the fudgesicle. By the time I get the new toothpaste on the brush, her naked little behind has scurried out of the bathroom, and into the living room where I obviously can't see her 'hiding' right in the middle of the couch. So, I scoop her up over my arm, trying with all my might not to flip the crap out, and set her on the counter and tell her to open her mouth RIGHT THIS SECOND so I can brush her teeth or they WILL fall out. She's crying, which is perfect because the mouth has to be open to cry! So, I hurry up and brush brush brush brush, silently singing "Brush-a, brush-a, brush-a" just like Jan in Grease, because come on... Anyway, just as I'm about halfway done, she decides she needed to slap me across the face. HOLY CRAP, I lost it.

I mean, I chucked that super rockin awesome light-up toothbrush so hard across the bathroom, that the bottom broke off, and there was toothpaste splattered everywhere. And then I screamed "I'M DONE BEING A MOM!!" Now enters husband...

H- "What's wrong?"
Me-"WAAAAAAAAHHH"
H- "Ummm...what happened?"
Me- "WAAAAAAAHHH", slam the door, run to the bathroom. Obviously it's the only place in the world to run when one needs a minute.
H- "So...what's going on?"
Me- Through the tears and sobbing.. "She's (sniff sniff, schnortle) so MEAN!"

Even I laughed at that moment. When did my daughter take me back to middle school? I can remember sitting in my room crying when other girls were mean in school, and it was the exact same thing.

After I took a minute rocking myself back to calm in the corner of the bathroom, I went back into her room, and she said "SHAW" which translates to sorry in her toddler language, and gave me a hug. Even though I was still so angry about all of it, I snuggled her, read her a story, and rocked her for a few minutes before putting her to bed. Then you leave the room, and have a huge sigh of relief, and dance a little jig to celebrate the fact that you survived another day of Motherhood.

High five, we did it!

Life with Dictators

Okay, okay, I know it has been forever and a day since I last posted about my insanely busy life! But, I'm here now, and that's what matters, right?!

So, looking back at my last post I've discovered that not a ton has changed, but at the same time...SO much has changed! We have celebrated birthdays, and have had so many milestones since then! So, let's start, shall we?

First things first, toddlers still suck SO BAD. It has been determined that toddlers are, in fact, tiny assholes. I said it. ASSHOLES. They hate us. Just thought I'd let you know the truth. Every second of every minute of every single day is dictated by what my boss calls a "tyrant." At first, I admit I thought that word may be an exaggeration, but after careful review I've discovered that it's true. We get screamed at all day in words that don't even have meaning. We get told "I don't wanna talk to you" or "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NANANANANAN UGHGUGHGUGH." I mean, come on...at least use words if you're going to yell at me for giving you the banana you cried for!

Also- what's up with the poop? How is it that you can go weeks without a pee accident, but cannot seem to fathom the thought of pooping in the toilet? You would rather go in your diaper, underwear, or right NEXT to the toilet, but heaven forbid you sit on the toilet? Come ON! You know what they do? They go once to get your hopes up, then they shatter your hopes when you find the poop smeared on the crib, or all over their bodies, or all over the carpet. Good times, these toddlers.

Have there been good moments over the past 6 months? Sure there have! But, I must say, they are few and far between! Hearing children say "I love you" may be the best part of every day. These little people who put so much stress on us daily, and drive us to eat our weight in chocolate, can be the sweetest little demons in the world. Sometimes, when they're sleeping, I sit there staring. Just stare, take in all of their little features...the little dimples where the knuckles will be soon, the wispy curly hair that glows in the dark because it is so blonde, the little tiny nose that is still somehow almost completely flat, the perfect little lips that give the sweetest kisses on the cheek. How precious are they still? And when did they become little kids instead of babies? I get so lost in the stressful moments of the day, that sometimes I forget how fast it's actually going. Time is flying by, and I'm too busy to notice!

My sweet baby girl was recently diagnosed with some delays. She has a 35% delay in Speech, Cognitive, and Social areas. Although this was an expected diagnosis, it was a tough one to hear. I've always thought that my experience with children would be so helpful in my parenting. I assumed that my child would be so intelligent, and have such great patience, and be invincible. But, I'm discovering that these things will come. Why does my 2 year old have to be superior? She's 2! What does she need? Happiness. Love. Care. Nurturing. Sure, speech is important, but we have help for that. Patience isn't something any toddler has. And, she thinks she's invincible. So, I'm learning to back off a little. I will never be the perfect mom. Ever. And I'm okay with that. As long as I remember that I'm the perfect mom for HER.

You know what else I've discovered? Sometimes my house is messy. But, sometimes it's better for me to just sit on my butt in front of the TV, crying to an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and eating 6 pounds of chocolate, while forgetting everything about the day! Hey, I work out! ;) It's also okay for me to ask for help. Annabelle recently decided she doesn't need to breastfeed anymore. The first night, I will admit, I was pretty sad. But, since then, it's been nice. It's great to be able to ask my husband for help putting her to bed. And it's great to not have to plan my evenings around a breastfeeding toddler. Especially since every other part of my days revolve around her and 3 others!

What a rollercoaster of emotions life is. Caring for toddlers has got to be the most draining phase of life so far. I can hear the screaming when I go to bed. Silence is too quiet. I can translate toddler language faster than I can spell an English word. And I can spot a disaster about to happen with cat-like reflexes. It takes a strong person to be with children all day. You have to learn to not take them seriously. They're going to hate you about 60% of the time, and adore you the other 40. And honestly, you'll feel the same. They ignore everything you say to them, but demand to be heard every time they speak. They don't want you to help with anything, but get so mad that they can't do it themselves. They hit, kick, bite, spit, throw things, throw themselves, and demolish everything in their paths. Yet, we get up everyday and show them our love! Why? Because we go through these emotions, too. We get it. We understand. But, do they have to make it so hard? This too shall pass! And until then, Jesus take the wheel!

So, before I leave with my spectacular picture montage, I will remind you once again, to not lose hope. Things will get better. But, until they do, just remember... Toddlers are assholes. That is all.