It's Christmas time in the City!

It has been months and months since I last posted, but assure you, it's been a busy several months!

Since my last post, I've survived Summer Camp with elementary students, received a promotion, successfully enrolled Annabelle in "big girl school," and managed to make it through life here with a little bit of my sanity intact!

After a year and a half in Singapore, we are now thinking "holy cow, how has time gone so fast?" We have determined that Singapore is actually some kind of time warp. While we have seen the majority of the island and have found our favorite things to do here, we still find out about new places all the time. There is so much to see and do here, that I don't think we will ever conquer it all! Of course we have our moments when Singapore isn't everything we've ever wanted, but for the most part we really love it here, and are beyond thankful that we were given this incredible opportunity!

Annabelle began school at Singapore American School in August. Her speech delay has improved so drastically and she is thriving. We are impressed every single day with the language that she has now. She can have conversations with other people, and seeing the surprise on their faces and hearing them say "I understood every word!" is the most gratifying reward for her! She doesn't have to get frustrated anymore with her lack of ability to express herself! Don't worry, though- she has plenty more reasons to be frustrated and throw irrational tantrums.

While 2016 has definitely given us some hard times, we also have a lot to be thankful for this Holiday  season. Not to mention, I'm a total Christmas fanatic. We have had our tree and decorations up for quite some time now, and I have to say- just seeing the beautiful tree when I get home from work instantly puts a smile on my face. I love the peacefulness and the beauty of looking at festive lights. I love seeing Annabelle's face light up when we change the colors of the tree, or when she discovers a new ornament. She particularly loves snow globes and nutcrackers. How fun to see Christmas through a toddler's eyes!

Perhaps our biggest surprise of the season is, that we have the best present anyone could ever ask for on the way! We found out a few months ago that we are expecting a sweet angel to join our family in May! Annabelle is overjoyed and tells the world. She picks up random things at stores and demands that we "neeeeeeeed these for the baby." Today, she also told me that she can hear the baby crying in my belly. Oh, and it also apparently says "goo goo ga ga" to her. Haha! I love her imagination. She is anxious to be a big sister, and goes back and forth on whether she wants a brother or a sister.

We did somehow manage to keep my pregnancy a secret from everyone aside from coworkers until we were able to get Christmas cards out to reveal our big news! What a challenging secret, but an equally awesome time receiving the texts of surprise from all of our family, and sharing the excitement with them! Now, we can share our fun surprise announcement with all of our friends around the World!

I genuinely hope that all of our friends and family around the World have the happiest Holiday Season and are surrounded by the people they love!

She Made me a Mother

This Mother's Day, I may not be celebrating with the 3 sweet children I had hoped for, but at least I have 1!

I know so many women who have struggled with infertility and miscarriage. I know that some women don't get to celebrate, but instead they get to be reminded that they still don't have that child they've dreamed of for so long. They still have to watch other families smiling, and talking about how blessed they are to have beautiful children.  For those women, my heart aches for you. I, too, have felt that pain.

I lost my two sweet twins 3 weeks ago, and I will never forget that I now have angels in Heaven instead of in my arms.

But, I also know I'm blessed. I still have one sweet daughter who has given me so much.

She has made me many things, but the best thing is that she made me a Mother!

She has made me laugh.

She has definitely made me cry.

She has made me question why I chose to become a Mother.

She has made me feel beautiful.

She has made me empathetic.

She has given me a new perspective.

She makes me see the beauty in the smallest things.

She makes me see the rationale in her irrational tantrums.

She has made me a zombie.

She has made me patient.

She has made me want to rip my hair out.

She has made me want to press pause on precious moments.

She has made me a hugger.

She has made me appreciate my parents so much.

I made a person. She made me a Mother.

On this day, and every other day of the rest of my life, I am a Mother. And to my sweet-evil-loving-tantruming-threenager.... Thank you for making me everything I've always wanted to be.

You are my angel, my darling, my star. And I will love you wherever you are!

Oh- I should probably thank my husband, too. Probably couldn't have made this human without him.

Speaking Out

I'm definitely not known for posting very often, but I am certainly known for posting very honestly.

This will be an honest post, and certainly the most difficult one yet.

Two months ago, we were overjoyed to learn we were pregnant with twins! We were elated, to say the least. From the moment you find out you're pregnant, you can't help but imagine if it's a boy or a girl, or two boys, or two girls! There is no stopping the joy, the curiosity, the wishing and hoping for a fantastic future, and a healthy baby.

When I went in for my third ultrasound this weekend, I was told that the babies had stopped growing, and there were no heartbeats. They had to check my hormone levels to confirm that I was miscarrying.

When I went back in to the doctor on Monday morning, they checked the hormone levels again to ensure they were correct, and I was immediately taken to surgery to have the babies removed. The surgery was successful, and the doctor said I will make a full recovery.

We are obviously devastated by this happening, and ask that you all send prayers and encouragement to help us heal our shattered hearts.

With Love,

Jean, Charles and Annabelle

A Big Difference!

Today is mine and Annabelle's 6 month mark for being in Singapore! In some ways, it's hard to believe that we have called this home for 6 months, and in some ways it's hard to believe that it has ONLY been 6 months!

I feel like we  have already experienced so much of what Singapore has to offer, yet I know that we have merely scratched the surface!

Since moving here, we have experienced quite our fair share of ups and downs, and I finally feel like I am in a place where I can get back to writing about our life!

When I found out that I would have the opportunity to be a SAHM here, I was so overjoyed! For years, I wanted to be a Mom, and stay at home to take care of my baby. I thought SAHMs lived the good life, and always had clean houses, and ample patience and time to spend with their precious children. Little did I know, this was not the case at all. Staying home with my child was nice in many ways, but I also felt like I was slipping into an abyss. I felt like I was becoming consumed with anger, and sometimes even resentment toward my own flesh. Some days, I even wished that I never became a Mom, because I couldn't handle the constant need to be everything for her, and only her. Most days, I felt like I was falling into depression, and I knew this just wasn't who I was.

So, I decided to make a change! I decided to go back to work, and let my daughter go to daycare, so she can be surrounded by other children, and adults who dedicate their time to taking care of children when they're away from their families. The ironic part is that my chosen career is also to care for other people's kids. But, I suppose it is true- everything is different when it's your own kid!

Why is it that I have infinite patience with other children, but none with my own?

I don't know the science of it, but I do know it to be true for me, at least. And I know that my sweet girl is getting the attention, support and socializing that she needs, while I'm getting the fulfillment I need, and having the chance to say "Wow, I really miss her!"

It's only just over a week now since we made the change, and I already see a big difference in how our time together is spent! We laugh together, instead of crying. We hug more, instead of closing doors. We have conversations about our days, instead of hurrying through our meals in silence.

What a difference!

 I can't wait to see what else this adventure will bring us, and I look forward to having happier days!!

Flashback

Wow, two posts in such close proximity to each other might make you wonder if something is going on in the life of me. Well, there is! My child has become an insomniac.

Lets have a flashback, shall we?

On November 30, 2012, nearly 3 years ago...a sweet tiny angelic baby came into the world. Her mother was so excited, and so prepared for sleep deprivation... "Bring it ON," she would say. So, in the following days, this perfect little baby slept. She nursed, pooped, and slept. She slept so well, in fact, her mother didn't experience much sleep deprivation at all. What a miracle!

My ASS. Fast forward to present time, and NOW the kid doesn't want to sleep. What the heck? How did this get backwards? Sleep was the one aspect of my toddler's life that I could always count on being constant. She naps 3 hours, and sleeps 12 at night. It's perfect, and almost always exact. But, now she won't nap. Instead of napping she has all kinds of enjoyable things to do, such as...

Screaming MAMAMAMAMAMAMA at the top of her lungs over and over and over and over
Pretending her bed is an appropriate place to ride her horse
Stripping off all of her clothes, yelling POOOOOOOOOOOOP, and smearing it all over the wall
Peeing on the floor, and yelling at Suzie the dog to make me believe it wasn't her
Running through the doors, and screaming MAMA  UP TIME
Ripping apart all of her books, then screaming because she can't fix them
Climbing on top of her dresser, to dump out all of her headbands, and rip the pictures off the walls

Anyway, that's my naptime everyday now. Some people say give up on nap time, but then by 5 PM she acts like a rabid hyena, and won't eat dinner, or go to bed at a normal time.

So, once we finally get our rebel down to bed at night, the whole process begins again. Only now Daddy is home, so it's twice as fun. She needs hugs from both of us every 4 minutes for the two hours that it takes her to finally wear out.

So, once again I ask- WHAT THE HECK is wrong with TODDLERS????

This Mama is tired. I mean, it's not my fault that I maybe stayed up way too late watching Jane the Virgin, so I only got like 3 hours of sleep. Not my fault at all. I blame Netlfix. You should also know that this show is so good, I haven't even watched Scandal or How to Get Away with Murder yet..

I should also point out that my sweet little Dementor is asleep, and it's 6:21 PM.

AND I should also point out that it's so cool to me that I am finishing my day, as the bulk of everyone I know is just waking to start theirs!

So, carry on with your Sunday, and send prayers that my Jane the Virgin marathon be short, and my child's sleep be long!

I'll leave with a couple of photos that prove my kid doesn't have what it takes to pull "all-dayers!"

It's True

YOU GUYS. Today was a good day. In the midst of my seemingly never-ending terrible awful horrible streak of bad days, today was decent.

Yesterday, the toddler and I were crying together, and today- only she had tantrums! What a fantastic turnaround!

While I'm certain another one of these days won't come for awhile, I'll go ahead and put it in writing, so I can look back on this 15th day of October and remember I didn't cry!

I'll tell you what I did do! I DID make a custom dress. I decided to make a dress for Annabelle without using any type of tutorial or pattern, and to make it custom fit by using her as the model and pinning the fabric true to her size! And what a liberating idea it was! I didn't feel frustrated or out of control, and I was totally in charge... who knew all I had to do to feel in charge was to create a beautiful Christmas dress?!! Annabelle likes it too, which I suppose matters.

Also, I decided to give the dog a desperately needed haircut,which turned out pretty bad. My clippers died mid-cut, so I had to borrow a pair from the neighbor. Now, her clippers are way better than the ones I was using. so I virtually had to start over, but also didn't realize until it was WAY too late that my dog was getting a hackjob. She has random bald spots, and seriously is a hot mess. But, it's pretty damn funny to see. Poor dog.

I also did something that I am quite certain I have not done since Annabelle was born.  I left the house before bed time, without my child or my husband. That's right, folks, I was away from my spawn while she was still awake. For 3 hours, I was out by myself, having an awesome time with friends. Who I'm pretty sure were quite surprised to see that I can engage in conversation when I'm not chasing horribly behaved toddlers around. Seriously, people should really learn to control their children...I mean, come on, how difficult is it? OH! Lets not forget that I got to miss putting her to bed. I don't think I even felt guilty.

Anyway, I really just thought I should inform the world that on occasion- SUPER RARE occasion- a good day can happen. Don't even think about wishing for another, but write it down, so you can remember that one time, there was a day when you didn't think you might end up in a psych ward because your child is a Deatheater.

A Perfect Day?

This post is so severely overdue! I meant to post weeks ago, I swear, but distractions happen!

Since my last horribly depressing update, I have pulled myself out of the New World Funk I was in, and embraced our new life here in Singapore.Since then, we managed to have perfect days, and very imperfect days.

We took a day trip down to Sentosa Island. This is where the nice beaches are located, and many other attractions, such as Universal Studios, The Aquarium, several fun resorts, and countless things to do for entertainment. Not to mention, there's a Kripy Kreme! YUM! I was so nervous about this day, as Annabelle is sometimes so difficult to take places, and this was a long trip! We made it through the train ride with minimal fussing, and called it a win! After a short walk on the boardwalk to get on to the island, we were stunned at how amazing it was!! There were beautiful fountains, hotels, statues, etc! I remember telling my husband that I can't take a picture because its impossible to capture it all! After a short stop at Starbucks, we were on our way to find a fun beach! We passed some cool places, like indoor skydiving, a really neat chair lift that takes you up to get a panoramic view, and a fun family festival with bounce houses on the beach! We made our way over to a cool area that looked like something you would see in a movie! It was a little inlet area, and even had a wooden hanging walking bridge that you can walk over to get from one island to the other! I must say, however, this bridge was quite a feat! It was so hard to walk on, I felt like I was a little tipsy! HA! I also found some great sea shells, and even a really cool piece of granite! Anyway, after exploring a little, we found this awesome little water park for kids, and Annabelle was in Heaven! She went down the waterslides more times than we could possibly count, and was having the time of her life! The best part? Adults were free admission, and children were only $15! So, after spending hours having a blast, it was time to go home...but not without grabbing a few donuts from Krispy Kreme!! So, after grabbing our goodies, we were saying good-bye to our new favorite place! "THIS," I exclaimed... "THIS was the PERFECT day!"

Since then, we haven't had perfect days, but they've been better. We have a great neighbor, who is so welcoming, and is great at encouraging me to get out and about! She has a daughter that is younger than Annabelle, but they seem to enjoy playing with each other outside! We have gone to the local pool a few times, and enjoyed some time at the community playroom.

We are also learning that we have become hoarders of certain goods. We have learned how awesome the subscriptions service on Amazon is, and look very forward to our shipments of coffee creamer, peanut butter, and coffee. YAY Amazon! I will say, I would LOVE to eat some Chick-fli-A, Chipotle, Five Guys, Papa Johns... I'm so sorry I didn't appreciate you while I had the chance! Oh, I miss my sweet dear friends and family, too. It's so amazing how incredibly helpful my friends are still, even though we are thousands of miles, and 13 hours apart. And how spectacular is technology, that we can still see each other's faces as we speak on FaceTime to family? I'm so thankful that Annabelle can still have a relationship with her Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents! Although, she really enjoys seeing her baby cousin, and the kitty cat...

There are fires in Indonesia that are causing us to have "The Haze." There is so much smoke in the air, that we are told to wear masks, and to limit any outdoor activity, so we have been cooped up indoors for weeks now. Annabelle is getting stir crazy, and her attitude is worsening by the day. She cries at bedtime now, and stays awake yelling for me for hours. The other night, Annabelle decided to wake up around midnight, screaming like she was being held captive by a wolverine. I went in there and laid with her for about an hour, before my arm was falling asleep and my patience was wearing thin. At this point, she was screaming for everything she could think of...

More ice in her cup
More water, because now there's too much ice
More blankets
That's not a baby blanket
I don't want to be covered up
Why did you take that blanket off?
I need more bows in my hair
I don't want a bow
Where are my socks?
I don't wear socks to bed
I need to brush my teeth
I need to pee
and poop
I don't want to sit on the toiler
GO MAMA
Sing Twinkle Twinkle
NO SING MAMA
*Kicks me in the face*
OW MY FOOT
BOOOO BOOOO

This went on for 2 hours. I sent a text the next day to my neighbor begging her for forgiveness if Annabelle woke up her daughter, and explained that we had an unexpected exorcism taking place. Apparently, their house was unaffected by our late night party! Thank goodness.

We haven't seen that poltergeist since, and are hoping we don't have another night like that!

This haze that we are experiencing it awful. It's so hard to no be able to go anywhere. Annabelle can't get energy out, people are so grumpy, and so tired, and sick! So, we are praying every minute of the day for the fires to stop so we can all go out and have fun again!

Meanwhile, I'll just be here- eating chocolate, and watching Enchanted for the 98,765,432,321th time, and wondering if another cup of coffee is a bad idea! Send prayers for healthy air, and no more visits from the underworld! And, I will attempt to write more updates about our always entertaining life!

Until next time, my dear followers!